Utter Kuroshitsuji Crack
by Sebbynosebleed
Summary: Ok, so this is just some really weird FUFF I started when I was bored. May offend some people. It kind of makes no sense and there is OOC-ness for days! Yeah I suck at explaining these things, rated T for now, but theres a lot of swearing.
1. Chapter 1, introduction

SNB: Ok, now, this is my first fanfic, or as I like to call them, Fuff's. (Fucked up fan fiction)

It is set it the world of kuroshitsuji, and many will find it not even vaguely funny. For it is just utter stupidity and silliness. Now, let me introduce the character despite you already knowing them all. (If you don't know all these guys, then get out of this fuff. You wont get the references if you haven't seen the real thing.

Ciel: Stop being so tedious!

SNB: Okay okay- Now, as you all know, I am SebbyNoseBleed- I am the creator of this Fuff, and I have terrible punctuation and incoherent thoughts. I apologise for both in advance.

Sebastian: My bo-chan is becoming impatient, I suggest that you continue with the introduction.

*Smirks evilly* Or else...

-Grell's genitals explode-

Grell: ARHHHH, SEBAS-CHAN, YOU'RE SO CRUEL!

Sebastian: ... He's in this story too?

SNB: I live to torment you Sebby. o_O

Grell: *Hanging off sebby's arm* Your eyes glimmer with rage! *He shivers* MAH SEXY MAN SENSES ARE TINGLING EVEN HARDER NOW!

Ciel: My life... o_-

Alois: Don't forget about me!

Ciel: ARGH! WHY DO YOU WANT ALL THE GOOD CHARACTERS TO BE SEXUALLY HARASSED!

Alois: I'm a good character...

Everyone: O_o (Sorry to Alois fans, I don't really like him but he's good for comedic purposes)

Alois: Claude, I'm a good character aren't I?

Claude: O_o Your highness, I have disliked you ever since you surprise buttraped me.

Everyone: O_o

Ciel: Why am I not surprised that that actually happened?

Alois: Cielly-Poo! I'm so glad we are in this Fanfic together, we will have so much fun!

Ciel: Not everyone is a man-whore.

Sebastian: Bo-chan, I believe you are secretly a man-whore too, however, unlike Alois, you fail to embrace your true self.

Claude: I agree, *smiles creepily* (He actually just wants to see Ciel in a slutty costume)

Ciel: That is not true!

Sebastian: Well, lets test this then, *hands Ciel slutty halloween cat costume* if you enjoy wearing this, you are a man-slut if not, then you were right.

Ciel: Sebastian! You just want to see me in a slutty cat costume!

Everyone: :/ No duh.

SNB: Wasn't this supposed to be an introduction? Instead it just branched off into a conversation about Ciel's secret manwhoreness.

Alois: Claude! Give me my minutely leg massage!

Sebastian: Why do you need a leg massage every minute?

Alois: My shorts are so tight that they cut off the circulation in my legs. *Slut-Pride* I really work hard to make those constant booty shots worthwhile!

Ciel: is that an achievement to you?

SNB: AGAIN WE ARE OFF TOPIC! Lemme just introduce you all now! Over here in the black tailcoat, we have this super sexy milksop ninja piece of hot shit Sebastian Michaelis

Sebastian: I believe you are mistaken, I am no ninja, I Am merely one hell of-

*Cuts him off*

SNB: And over here we have-

*She is stopped by the sound of Sebby suffocating*

Everyone: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Ciel: OH NO, SEBBY DIES IF HE DOSENT GET TO FINISH HIS LINE!

*Choking sounds*

SNB: NOOOOOO NOT SEBBY THE STORY WON"T WORK WITHOUT HIM BECAUSE YOU OTHER CHARACTERS ARE WEAK AND UNCOMEDIC WITHOUT HIM!

Undertaker: (when did he get here?) He can be saved by CPR.

Grell: THEN I, THE SELF-SACRIFICING GRELL SHALL SAVE HIM!

*Grell presses him lips to Sebastians and doesn't do any CPR at all.

Sebastian: *choking* Ciel...

Ciel: OH MAH FAHCKING GAWD.

*Ciel thinks, what the hell and dives in to do CPR on Sebby*

*Sebastian starts kissing him and Ciel finds out that all his breath is back*

SNB: HAHHHAHHHHAHAHAHAhHAHAHAHAhHAHAHAH SEBBY NEVER NEEDED CPR! I JUST TRICKED THE PRUDISH MAN-WHORE IN DENIAL INTO GIVING FANSERVICE!

Ciel: NURRRRRRRRRRRRRR

SNB: Can you blame me? Dese fucking weird-ass readers need hot Sebby Ciel scenes.

Ciel: That wasn't hot, you went into no detail!

SNB: SHUSH! too much Sebby/Ciel right away makes it lose its heat you idiot!

Ciel: then what was the point of...

SNB: SHUSH CHILD!

Ciel: ARGHHHHHHHHHH I am surrounded by morons.

Undertaker: You sounded like a pirate just then.

*Ciel turns to look at him with an absolute death stare.*

Ciel: Never, ever, call me a pirate.

Everyone: HAH, PIRATE

*Ciel silently fumes with rage*

SNB: Ok, so thats Sebastian, now, this pirate looking one here is Ciel.

Ciel: NOT A PIRATE!

SNB: *Ignoring* And over there in the red-

Ciel: YOU WILL NOT IGNORE THE EARL OF THE HOUSE OF PHANTOMHIVE!

SNB:*continues to ignore* -is Grell Sutcliff. Who no one likes.

Grell: SHUDDAP, I AM BOOTIFUL AND TOTALLY FEMALE.

Everyone: Keep dreaming...

Sebastian: Why with the transphobia?

Grell: SEE, Sebas-chan loves me.

Sebastian: No I don't,

SNB: YOU ONLY LOVE CIEL *fangirl shriek*

Sebastian: I love no one..

Ciel: I'm not gay.

Everyone: ... Silence for full minute.

AHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAhAHAHAhHAHAHAhAHAHAhAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAhAHAhAH

Undertaker: OHMAHGARD , WHEW, heh.

*Everyone still stifling giggles*

Ciel: Seriously?

SNB: Ok, despite the hilariousness of Ciel's denial of his inner gay-man-whore. We should continue with introduction! here with the awesome hair and creepy smile we have the undertaker.

Undertaker: I rape children's dead bodies.

Everyone: O_O

Undertaker: what?

Ciel: That wasn't a funny line.

Undertaker: None of you were funny, it least I was honest.

Everyone: O_O

SNB: Ok... moving on we have Alois Trampy- I mean trancy!

Alois: Ule! *Alois goes up to Ciel and twerks in his face*

Ciel: AARRRRGH, NOT APPRECIATED!

Sebastian: for some strange reason, that just gave me a boner.

Everyone: What? O_O

Claude: me too, lets go into that dark soundproof room to discuss our urges.

Sebastian: I enjoy discussion.

Grell: I COMANG WITH YAH.

Sebastian/Claude: No.

SNB: And the pedophile who just left with the other pedophile is Claude.

Ciel: That took forever, you really cannot stay on topic can you?

SNB: Heh.

Ciel: Imbecile.

AND SO THAT CONCLUDES THE FIRST CHAPPIE! It wasn't really a chappie though, more of just an intro. The next one will be better. I hope you enjoyed this collection of utterly retarded randomness! Sorry this was so short, you can only write so much for an introduction right?

Until next time!

Sebbynosebleed.


	2. Chapter 2, Nasal problems

Hello, it's SNB again! I won't spend too much time with the Introduction because the last chapter, if you only recently read it, is basically an intro anyways.

Sebastian: Could you please be kinder to this poor old demon in this story it least?

Grell: Haaaaaaaaaaaay Sebas-chan!

SNB: Heh.

Sebastian: I_I

SNB: Yeah he's here so no.

Sebastian: You dare to inflict this torture upon me despite my power!

SNB:... Yesh? and?

Sebastian: *tries to kill SNB*

SNB: Yeah, that won't work because you don't actually exist HAH.

Ciel: The workings of your mind are flawed, an it shows clearly in this writing

SNB: SHUDDAP BISH!

Ciel: Oh, so I'm the bitch now, Sebastian? Am I a bitch?

Sebastian: You are a lovely little kitty cat.

Ciel: Creepy perv.

SNB: Yeah yeah yeah, lets get started, BTW I won't be writing in play format, thats just for introductions an conclusions/comments?

LETS START THE SHOW!

Sebastian was daydreaming about buttraping Ciel in a neko-maid outfit, when he awoke to find Grell straddling him.

"I WANNA HAVE A MILLION BABIES WITH YOU SEBBY, "

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, THATS NOT EVEN SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE!"

"OUR LOVE REACHES FARTHER THEN SCIENCE!"

"FUCK OFF!" Grell purposely mishears this, what he hears still has 'fuck' in it but means something else as Grell is about to 'accidentally' rape Sebastian. Claude appears to confess his undying love to Sebby,

"SEBBY I WUV YU! 3"

" I KNOW IM HOT BUT WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT ME!"

"SEBBY, I WISH TO PLEASURE YOU IN A NEKO-MAID OUTFIT!"

"How did you know about the neko-maid fetish." (Was pretty obvious) Sebby narrowed his eyes smexily,

"You didn't look inside my dreams again? did you?" (Jumping to conclusions) Ciel walks in and says.

"Sebastian, just in case you were about to make a fool of yourself, Claude is only trying to seduce you because Alois wants to make a porno of you two." Sebastian starts to cry because he has loved Claude forever. Alois then appears, somehow,

"Ha, you found me out! Yeah I kind of get off on watching my BF (Claudey-poo) fuck someone else."

Ciel looks upon this scene, fairly bewildered.

"Is the writer of this in any way sane?" Sebastian spoke up.

"Well if you think about it, whenever writers do dialogue, they are technically talking to themselves. Does that not make them insane? No wonder so many writers are.. eccentric."

"And here I thought that I was messed up! What traumatic experiences must she have gone through to send her mind to this state!"

"Actually the writer is an annoying little white girl in a first world country, with no real issues to speak of."

"Damn humanity."

"I quite agree." Throughout this entire exchange Grell hung off of Sebastian's arm, licking his shoulder (For some reason?)

Sebby drove his foot into Grell's stomach, winding him.

"Oh Sebas-chan! " He panted with difficulty, "I love it when you're rough with me. Grell's nose was spurting blood, and he swooned and fainted.

"This is ridiculous, I swear the writer must be on crack." Sebastain says angrily.

"Now now, just because she keeps subjecting you to Grell..." Ciel replies, "doesn't mean shes on crack, she could just hate you!"

"NO ONE HATES ME, I AM THE LORD OF SMEXINESSSSSSSSSSSS"

"Don't worry Sebby," Says Alois, "You can watch me rape Ciel if it will cheer you up!"

Everyone: O_o

"Sebastian recovers from his shock.

"What? no, Ciel is mine!"

"I guess I really am the only one into that shit, and in this messed up cast of characters too." Ciel looks up,

"Well, that does not matter because I will never allow you too have intercourse with me!" He looks away shyly. "Sebby is the only one for me..." This send Alois into a massive nosebleed and all the house staff in the mansion are killed in the flood. The rest of them are saved and placed on a hill by Sebby and Claude. This of course includes and incredibly awkward position between Ciel and Sebby. Sebastian starts to speak.

"Well this is awkward." Ciel blushes,

"No no no, its not what you think! I just keep a banana in my pocket for emergency snacks!" Sebastian takes the banana out of Ciel's pocket and is surprised to find that he is telling the truth, however...

"Theres still a bump there, its's just much smaller."

"SHUDDAP! Besides, Sebastian, you must go back and retrieve my cane!"

"Okay, i'll go get your pimp cane-"

"ITS NAWT A PIMP CANE!" Sebby shrugs and flips away. While he is gone, Alois rapes Ciel. He really shoulda seen that coming.

When Sebastian gets back Ciel beats him with the pimp cane for allowing him to be raped by Alois, ugh. Grell then shouts out of nowhere

"SEBAS-CHAN, DO YOU KEEP BANANA'S IN YOUR POCKET?"

"what ever do you mean."When Ciel realises whats going on he instantly recoils. Alois comes up to him and says,

"Haaaaay Ciel, hows abouts you beat ME with the pimp-cane?" Ciel looks extremely surprised and disturbed by this.

"I had always thought that you would be the kind to do the beating..." Alois looks excited

"IS THAT AN INVITATION!"

"NO! THAT WAS AN OBSERVATION OF YOUR PERSONALITY!" Sebastian seems amused.

"Now children, now children." He said the same thing twice for no actual reason.

SNB: NO NO NO! THIS STORY IS PROGRESSING TO SLOWLY! I need to give it a kick-start!" She dragged off Ciel,

"FUCK, what are you gonna do to me?!" He shouts.

"Now now Ciel, its ok, we are just going to play a little came of dress up ok?" That didn't sound too suspicious, But Ciel was still on guard. And he was right to be, 2 hours and one neko-maid outfit later, Ciel was handed back to the story. As soon as they put him down he started to run away from Sebastian. Sebastian, being an awesome smexy demon, Obviously could run a lot faster then him. He picked Ciel up and started to stroke him, Ciel squirmed and tried to get away from him. Then suddenly, the world was flooded with bright red blood. Forget global warming, this shit was hardcore. The only reason Ciel survived was because Sebastian jumped into the air and anded on a high part of a mountain. Alois was saved by Claude and everyone left grell to die, he was happy though, he liked swimming in Sebby's nosebleed. Yes, nosebleed.

Everyone: O.O

Claude spoke first,

"How did you release that much fluid from your nose in only a few seconds?" Sebby sighed and replied,

"Grell nostril raped me one too many times it seems."

"How does that even- why." said an exasperated Ciel.

"WAIT A SECOND!" Shouted Alois, "Do none of you know what this means?"

Everyone: O3O... No

Alois continued, "In order for Grell to nostril rape Sebby, he has to be a guy! The great mystery is solved!" Ciel replied.

"But what if Grell had lesbian sex with Sebastians nostrils?"

"Damn, I didn't think of that." Sebastian spoke

"How about instead of trying to discover Grell's gender- He's a guy BTW- We should focus more on your imminent deaths, There are very few humans left now that I accidentally killed any of them that don't lived on a massive fucking mountain. You realise that your souls will be in very high demand and demons are like to come here immediately. I suspect you will die in the next few minutes.

Everyone: O3O

"So Grell's a guy?" Sebastian face palms at this.

"Is that seriously the only thing you took from what I just said?"

"Nope," says Claude, "It let me realise that Your highness must give me his soul now," He addresses Alois.

"What? No way mudderfucker, yo didn't complete the contract." Claude swoops in and takes his soul anyways. Sebastian smiles,

"Uh, Bo-chan? so yeah, its been fun, but... hmmm." Ciel sniggers.

"Actually I sort of fucked you over on the whole soul thing, Yeahhhhhh, Ima demon now bish!"

"You sly bastard"

"Thanks." The undertaker has been hiding in the background this whole time,

"Your not funny you know." He says with a straight face.

SNB: SHUDDAP, IMA HILARIOUS HUMAN!

"Nope." Then Voldemort appeared and kiled them all, Yeah, he can do that by the way because he's awesome and it doesn't matter how 'human' he is.

So they all died the end.

But that is not the end of this fanfic, because all of them dying ending the story would make too much sense.

BTW I'm pretty sure at this point that I suck at writing cracked fanfics. I dunno, it just doesn't seem funny at all when I read it. Tell me your opinions in the reviews and I'll see if I want to continue it. Maybe everyone will actually die when they die or something crazy like that.

Then again, it would be fun to write Ciel as red riding hood!

Sebbynosebleed.


End file.
